The First Annual Missed Universality Contest
A gentle roast of health advice that assumes it works for everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen, Explorers and guests—welcome to the first annual Missed Universality Contest, where we recognize the health practices that meant well, worked for some, and boldly claimed they worked for all. Our contestants step onto the stage certain of their universal wisdom; we are simply here to listen, observe, and quietly raise an eyebrow.
And before we begin, we'd like to give a special shout‑out to tonight's sponsor, Pushy Health™:
"We don't even understand your problem, but we are the solution."
Please take your hands apart for our finalists!
Contestant #1: Inward Meditation
Background Inward Meditation has dominated wellness apps, retreats, and corporate wellness programs for years. She's the image everyone sees when they think about "calming the mind": closed eyes, crossed legs, and attention turned inward.
She built her reputation on research done with people whose nervous systems already respond well to stillness and inward focus—and quietly assumed that meant she was the universal solution to inner peace.
Statement
"I know that everyone needs me for basic wellness and I appreciate your thoughts. If I'm not calming you, then you clearly just need to work harder to relax."
Contestant #2: Universal Stretching
Background Universal Stretching is a long‑time favorite in physical therapy handouts, gym warmups, and generic advice for anyone who mentions tight muscles. He believes every body is a rubber band waiting to be lengthened, and that more stretch is always the answer.
He's never quite understood why some people feel tighter and more sore after doing exactly what he recommends.
Statement
"I've been relieving tension for centuries. If I don't work, it's from poor technique. If I make your muscles tighter, that just means you need a deeper stretch."
Contestant #3: Hydration Gospel
Background Hydration Gospel is everywhere—posters, doctor's offices, workplace wellness emails, and influencer reels. Their core message is simple and unwavering: whatever is happening, you probably just need more water.
They rarely ask about electrolytes, autonomic patterns, or the fact that some bodies don't regulate fluid the way a houseplant does.
Statement
"I calm headaches, fix fatigue, and can dilute almost any symptom. If you feel worse when you drink more, that's just a sign you're not hydrated enough yet."
Contestant #4: Fiber Fixes Everything
Background Fiber Fixes Everything shows up in nutrition guidelines, cereal boxes, and every conversation about "gut health." They see themselves as universally gentle, universally helpful, and universally necessary.
They're not particularly interested in motility disorders, SIBO, fungal terrain, or mast‑cell‑driven guts. After all, most people do fine.
Statement
"I'm universally good for digestion. If I bloat you, cramp you, or shut down your gut, that's just your body learning to appreciate me all over again."
Contestant #5: Just Breathe
Background Just Breathe is a star of yoga classes, stress workshops, and short social media clips about nervous system health. He honestly believes that focusing on your breath is always calming and always available.
He has never read about interoceptive instability or what happens when some nervous systems destabilize the moment they watch their own breathing.
Statement
"I calm everyone. If focusing on your breath destabilizes your breathing, you just need to take a deep breath and chill, dude."
Contestant #6: Cold Exposure Guy
Background Cold Exposure Guy has surged in popularity with biohacking, performance culture, and viral challenges. He promises resilience, metabolic health, and mental toughness—ideally captured on video.
He thrives in conversations that leave out autonomic instability, cold‑sensitive conditions, or people whose bodies tighten and crash in cold environments.
Statement
"I build resilience. If you're feeling awful or showing signs of hypothermia, that just means your nervous system is leveling up. Stay in longer."
Contestant #7: The Steps Goal
Background The Steps Goal is the quiet bureaucrat of wellness culture: ever‑present, deeply certain, and printed on countless screens and wristbands. He loves round numbers and believes that hitting them is what health is.
He is uninterested in illness, recovery capacity, or what happens when an exhausted body pushes to meet his quota anyway.
Statement
"I keep you healthy through my numbers. If you're exhausted and still haven't hit me, that means you're falling behind on your baseline. Keep going—I'm objective."
What This Contest Is Really About
Beneath the humor, these contestants all share the same quiet assumption:
"I work for everyone. If I don't work for you, you're the problem."
The Missed Universality Awards exist to name that pattern out loud. Many practices are genuinely helpful for some bodies in some contexts. The trouble starts when they're treated as requirements for health rather than options that may or may not fit a given nervous system, gut, or recovery budget.
If you've ever felt pushed, blamed, or dismissed by advice that "works for everyone," this page is simply here to say: you're not the outlier—the model is.